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April 13, 2006

Methodist Ninja to Counterattack?

Athens ninja/UGA student/federal agent punching bag Jeremiah Ransom is considering a lawsuit, according to the Red & Black.

The absurdity of the story and the excellent camera phone photos from UGA student Kathleen Ruark catapulted this story into the blogosphere and beyond, appearing in nearly 64 media outlets nationwide, including the Boston Globe and Washington Post.

Zapruder film Ruark Photo of ATF goons agents gently eliminating the scourge of ninjas on campus

In a snafu that would make Lt. Frank Drebin blush, the ATF agents mistakenly thought a ninja was packing heat. “One of the guys yelled I had a gun, tackled me and asked where my gun was,” Ransom said.

After telling agents he only had his keys, wallet and cell phone on him, Ransom said the agent pinning him to the ground responded that, being trained officers, they would not mistake any of those items for a gun.

Does this look like a gun? If you were a highly trained federal agent it would.

Adding insult to the feds' nationwide embarrassment, Clancy Wiggum himself, UGA embarrassment Police Chief Jimmy Williamson took the agents to task for how the situation was mishandled. Williamson had coffee and donuts a constructive talk with an ATF supervisor.

General Counsel
Ninja Rights Enforcement Division


Unknown said...

I believe it's no longer called the ATF. It's now called the ATFANTSAOCSTMMSFOAS

Which stands for Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Ninja Throwing Stars and Other Cool Stuff That Might Make Someone Flip Out and Stuff

Anonymous said...

My question is...if this guy is a ninja,how is it possible that any of the agents involved avoided the inevitable leg sweeps and general asskicking that ninjas are so well known for?

Unknown said...

Maybe it was a trick so that he could inflitrate their ATF lair.

I am not knowledgable enough in the ways of the Ninja to understand why he did what he did.


Anonymous said...

I dont know if this is true, but I hear that right before the ATF guys overwhelmed Ninja Dude, he struck a pose that was described as "the crane," and a wholesome looking blonde chick with a great pair of throwing stars of her own was hollering, "you can do it, Daniel!!!!!"

I have been able to confirm that the names of the ATF agents involved in the takedown were Johnny, Bobby, Tommy and Dutch. It appears that the assault on Ninja Dude was stopped by a small Oriental man who reportedly works as a local handyman. ATF Regional Supervisor John Kreese refused to identify this man, except to refer to him as "an intruder" and to indicate that he planned on dealing with him later.

I dont understand why the ATF guys were chanting "NO WEAKNESS, NO MERCY" during the assault, but I'm sure that will come out in court later. All this deal really needs is for Dave Chappelle to show up and heckle the ATF guys as they're led off in handcuffs by yelling, "Konnichi wa, bitches."

Dawgnoxious said...

Sweep the leg! Strike hard, strike first, no mercy, sir!

Anonymous said...

YES, SENSEI!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hey, wait a minute. I'm a pirate, not a ninja. Never mind, then.

though, if the truth were told, I would take a nubile young Elisabeth Shue over Keira Knightley any day. True, it's like asking me whether I'd prefer to own a Mercedes or a Lexus, but what the hell. Some things just need to be said.

Kyle King said...

Totally with you on Elisabeth Shue, All School.

George C. Scott won an Oscar on the strength of the opening scene of "Patton." It's a shame the delightful Miss Shue wasn't afforded the same courtesy for the first few minutes of "Adventures in Babysitting."

Anonymous said...

One of the best lines ever:
" Don't f--- with the babysitter!"

You will notice that the ATF guys had better sense than to take down a babysitter.

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