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July 25, 2005

81Dog Presents the 2005 UGA Season at a Glance

The 2005 UGA Season at a Glance
By: 81dog

Your humble correspondent took stock of the schedule facing the UGA Bulldogs. Based on our opponents analysis, UGA clearly has the worst team in the SEC. Let's break it down:

9/3: Boise St in Athens. DJ Shockley? Couldn't start for Boise High School. The Bulldogs haven't seen anything like swarming Mountain Man offense and defense. Humidity in the south? Bah. UGA will be lucky to stay within 2 touchdowns. Just ask Blue Turf board. Certain UGA loss.

9/10: S Carolina in Athens. Hopeless. Spurrier doesn't need a QB, WRs, or a running game. He's SPURRIER! Just standing there frowning like he bit into a lemon and abusing his visor, he's worth 2 touchdowns against UGA. DJ Shockley makes UGA fans miss Quincy Carter. Carolina fan optimism makes Zig Ziglar look like Kurt Cobain, but face it. UGA loss.

[Photo Above: Zig Ziglar's Next Book "Being GameCOCKY: Logic Be Damned. Win in Your Mind's Eye. It's Almost as Good as the Real Thing"]

9/17: Lousiana-Monroe in Athens. Stunned by consecutive drubbings by superior teams, UGA reeling in week 3. DJ Shockley less popular than Danny Wuerffel in Athens. Not even Lousiana-Monroe fans expect it, but visiting underdogs pull off upset. UGA loss.

9/23: Miss St at Starkville. The fading Bulldogs go on the road to face fake Bulldogs. Depressed by 0-3 record, befuddled Coach Richt brings team to Oxford by mistake, leading to forfeit. Embarrassing UGA loss.

10/8: UT at Knoxville. Gerald Riggs is the new Jabari Davis. DJ Shockley terrified by eerie sound of 90,000 hillbillies inviting him to go rafting in mountains. Fulmer pleased by dominating UT first half play, doubles usual cash bonuses on the spot. Certain UGA loss.

10/15: Vandy at Nashville. UGA still so cowed by UT beatdown, entire team assumes fetal position upon crossing TN state line. Late in 4th, Vandy wormburner attempt at FG bounces off the helmet of fetally positioned Quentin Moses, and through the uprights for a 3-0 win. UGA loss.

[Photo Above: Sign seen the day after Richt loses to Vandy]

10/22: Arkansas in Athens. In an effort to pull UGA out of tailspin, Mark Richt goes to history book for a trick play that will shake his team up. Unfortunately, it's the shoestring. History repeats itself; disaster ensues for UGA. Crushing UGA loss.

10/29: Florida at Jacksonville: Meyer arrogantly vows to crush "that team from latitude 33 57 0, longitude 83 19 11," then points and stares Gators to victory. Caps win by coming out in orange wifebeater and blue urban camo denim shorts for post game press conference. Gators realize he's one of them now. UGA loss

[Photo Right: Meyer between pointing and staring.]

11/12: Auburn in Athens: Unsuspecting UGA coaches dont realize wily Tubberville is using his ears as giant parabolic microphones to eavesdrop on play calls. Tre Smith runs for 400 yards in the first half. Tuberville so confident, he tunes in ESPN Gameday using his ears in the second half. Auburn rolls to an easy win. UGA loss.

[Photo Right: Auburn Running Back Tre Smith]

11/19: Kentucky in Athens: Chuck Hayes is out of basketball eligibility, but comes in and starts raining down 3s on UGA football team. Short UGA CBs finally cost points on defense. UGA loss.

[Photo Right: Chuck Hayes is unstoppable despite the wrong face mask.]

11/26: Undefeated Ganja Toke U in West Athens: Billy Bob Gailey's innovative new strategy? Reggie Ball now punts on 3rd down.

Turns out Reggie has improved at counting, still not so good with change of direction at quarter's end. Result? Punts it wrong way half the time. Despite worst UGA season since leather helmets, it's still GTU. UGA rolls by 30. Finally, UGA win.

[Photo Right: Reggie Ball's off season trainer works with him on down and distance]

Yep. It's officially hopeless. I guess Coach Richt will go ahead and play the games anyway, but what's the point? We can't possibly beat anyone but GTU. Just ask the fans of anyone we play.

Written by 81Dog for the Georgia Bulldog Football and SEC Sports Blog


Anonymous said...

I guess since Ga went undefeated until they loss DJ Shockley you must feel really stupid. Guess you didnt know as much about football as you thought. LOYAL UGA FAN

81Dog said...

Sorry it took me more than two years to get back to you, but I have one word for you: IRONY.

See, this whole thing was an attempt to satirize all the naysayers and opposing fans who said we'd never be any good with Shockley at QB, now that Pollack was gone our D would suck, etc etc etc.

I guess that part was a little too subtle for some people, but what the hell. I'm proud of Shockley for showing the naysayers (especially the ones at GTU who blithely assumed that they'd have a huge advantage with returning two year starter Reggie BaLLLL coming back at QB over Shockley, who clearly sucked based on his relief appearance in the 04 game).

Of course, I feel like I'm trying to explain quantum physics to a gerbil here, but my sincere apologies for your misunderstanding of my intent in writing this little screed.

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