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July 27, 2005

Preseason Awards -- 2005 Football

These 4 are the first in what I hope will be a series of Pre-Season Awards (and later mid-season awards) this college football season.


The Doralee Rhodes "Cup of Ambition Award"
Winner: Boise State
This award recognizes those that want more out of life. The BSU Program may not have big hooters or an award winning singing voice like Dolly Parton in her legendary portrayal of Doralee Rhodes in the American Classic "Nine to Five". But we can see the resemblance. Doralee wants Mr. Franklin Hart to respect her as he would a male co-worker and to stop harassing her. Boise State wants pollsters to disregard their so-called BCS bias and take them seriously. Doralee has freakishly large breats and Boise has freakishly blue turf. Both are adorable, but neither is really qualified to move up much beyond their current station in life.


The HG Wells "This Ain't 1946 Award"
Projected Winner: Tre Smith
For the player most in need of a Time Machine. Given that Kenny Irons wasn't good enough to start at South Carolina, runs slower than Nell Carter, and has the field vision of Stevie Wonder, Tre Smith will end up being relied upon heavily by the Auburn Tigers at RB this year. Unfortunately for Auburn, the last great white running back in the SEC didn't wear a face mask.


The Dabney Coleman "Just Call Me Mr. Smarmy Award"
Winner: Tommy Tuberville
Given to the person with Weasel like personality and self absorbed delusions of grandeur. Who else other than Tuberville? I will grant you that CTT has reason to feel full of himself after a 13-0 season. But Dabney Coleman eventually was in hits such as Tootsie and On Golden Pond. As Dabney proved, a hit or two doesn't make you into Al Pacino anymore than Tuberville's Eufaula News National Championship makes him the second coming of Bear Bryant or Knute Rockne.


The Travis Coates “Put Old Yeller Down Award”
Winner: Athletic Director Penn State
When Travis shot Old Yeller, he said, "It was like having to shoot some of my own folks. That's how much I'd come to think of the big yeller dog." But he did it. He went ahead and shot him for the good of the family and for Old Yeller. Folks, Joe Pa has rabies. He’s sick. He’s got to be put out of his misery before he goes crazy and kills the Penn State program. Come on Tim Curley. It's your job. It's time to put Joe down.

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