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December 19, 2005

Who will be the Bill Brasky of 2006 in College Football

Right now, the unquestioned Bill Brasky of College Football is Leonard Pope.

Pope is tough to top. He's a 9'4" 635 lb. tight end with sprinter speed, a penchant for buggery and a top salesman.

Did you know that he grew up on a Spaghetti farm outside of Americus, Georgia. All his childhood was spent fighting the spaghetti weevil, helping raise a family of 32 while getting an education in both the martial arts and traditional reading and writing.

Prior to that, Pope invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Steve Spurrier invented pink.

[Photo: One of Pope's Spaghetti Workers.]

Leonard is a success story today because of the trials and tribulations that made him stronger as a young man. Did you know that in high school Pope went into business for himself selling Brassieres to women?

Unfortunately, all 10,000 bras malfunctioned. The copper support wires were designed for fire alarm use. When they came in contact with nylon and body heat, they produced static electricity which, in turn, interfered with local television and radio broadcasts. A failure that taught Pope much about the value of craftmanship, mind control and the importance of studying federal regulations. All of which he applies today as a Tight End for the Georgia Bulldogs.

But I digress. Who will be College Football's next Brasky now that Pope will surely be moving on to the NFL/Congress?

I present some of the candidates:

Sidney Rice (SC) - 6'4" 200 lbs.
Pros: Freshman wideout with almost 1,000 yards and 12 TDs. Scored 40 percent of South Carolina's offensive TDs for the entire season *despite* missing a game. Human females have two X chromosomes. Males have an X and a Y. Rice has three Ys and a TD. He's more man than you'll ever be. Writes novels under the pen name "Anne".
Cons: Plays in Columbia. Rice hates Columbia. And he is half Columbian. And he hates irony.

[Photo: Sidney interviewed regarding his next book.]

Calvin Johnson (GT) - 6'4" 235 lbs.
Pros: Has the body control of Jacquez Green, runs routes like Chris Carter, and uses his body to push off without getting caught like Michael Irvin. Can roll Yahtzee with just one die. Calvin Johnson wasn't born. He shed a woman. Built the first Waffle House out of French Toast.
Cons: His QB has the field vision of Helen Keller, the height of Webster and the arm of Andreas Katsulas. Can't beat Georgia.

Jared Gaither (Maryland) - 6'9" 330 lbs
Pros: Freshman All-American Offensive lineman. Major Div I recruit in basketball and football. Beat Michael Jordan in a slam dunk contest without ever jumping. Gaither can divide by zero, and he is the only man alive to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis. Uses a Volkswagen Beetle as a medicine ball.
Cons: Candidate to be eaten by Ralph Friedgen on a cold winter night....or a Wednesday.

[Photo: Brasky doesn't get eaten. So that strikes Gaither.]

Mike Moore (UGA) - 6'4" 200 lbs.
Pros: Freshman WR at UGA. Founder of Disney World Tornoto, trained with Randy Moss, once peed into a 567 acre valley in Alabama in order to make a lake. Looks to be the next big deep threat for the Dawgs.
Cons: Hasn't played a down...yet. Redshirting this year.

Noel Devine - 5'9" 175 lbs.
Pros: Greatest high school football running back video of all-time...as a freshman. Once gained 300 yards in a game on 2 carries. Devine is not black. It's just that the sun isn't fast enough to shine on him.
Cons: Currently living with Deion Sanders. Sanders likely to make him a pusscator afraid of all violent contact by osmosis. Still not in college yet.

[Photo: Deion's dilemma was "how do I get the best RB in the country to FSU without violating NCAA rules?]

Quentin Moses - 6'5" 260 lbs.
Pros: All-SEC junior defensive end at Georgia. Once freed a group of nearly two million Hebrew slaves and organized them in the desert. Promotes the doctrine of monotheism. Talks to burning bushes and God.
Cons: May not return for senior season. Unlike "the other Moses" seems to lack ability to part Red Sea.

Who are the other candidates to replace Pope as the next Bill Brasky of College Football? Feel free to comment or blog it and link over.



Note: some ideas original. Others shameless ripped off from the Mr. T, Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel fact generator.

7 comments:

I'm a Realist said...

...the field vision of Helen Keller...

Wow. That is remarkably distasteful. I like it. It reminds me of a joke I once heard...

Justin said...

That video of Divine made me think of another high school video I saw recently of a cetain recent heisman winner. http://nytimes.feedroom.com/?fr_story=4ecea5e16e76efd639aacefcc7d02c1da5a76483

Doug said...

Straight away, we can eliminate Calvin Johnson (who will never be the Bill Brasky of anything until he's got someone other than Game Ball throwing to him), Moore (tentatively, until he actually takes the field for the Dawgs) and Devine (way too small for any realistic Brasky comparisons, plus living with Deion? retch).

My vote is for Gaither. At 6'9"/330, maybe Friedgen should be worried about being eaten by him, as opposed to the other way around.

AshevilleDawg said...

You forgot Tim Tebow. I've heard he is 8'17" and 690 lbs.

For his first press conference at UF, Coach Myer asked Tebow is he could bench press a live gator to impress the crowd.

Tebow just laughed, and benched the entire state of Florida.

He can crap an orange, grapefruit, or tangerine at will, so I'm told.

MR. Egger, SIR! said...

Devine doesn't live with Deion anymore Paul. He lived in Dallas for like a week, then dipped out back to Ft. Myers.

Johnny said...

I've heard Pope can reverse the earth's orbit just by the direction he walks.

'Eff said...

You're thinking of Chuck Norris.

 
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