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May 18, 2006

Trailer Park Magazine: Athletic Department of the Year

From Trailer Park Magazine, the leading finance and culture publication for mobile home dwellers, we learn the following:

On Sunday, The Gamecock Athletic Department announced that they lost $2,656,084 in 2005, and that they expect to lose another $2.46 million in the academic year ending June 30, 2006. The school also announced that last summer they had $7 million in the bank as part of the "in case of emergency" fund. They are now borrowing at least $2.45 million from that fund to keep the lights on at the games.

So naturally.....on Wednesday, they announced that they are buying a $1.2 million video board for Williams-Brice Stadium.

Man, is there anything more rednecky than someone who can barely pay their bills, but says "Baby, what we need is a bigger TV! I'm talking WIDE SCREEN." Sadly, some Gamecock fan is probably reading this thinking, "You know that thang ain't worth a shit without a satellite dish."


Rendering of Future Gamecock Purchase

The whole episode reminds me of something out of the movie Major League. Maybe the new Gamecock AD has to lose a certain amount of money before he can move the football team to Florida. Which would make sense for Spurrier because he hasn't done a whole helluva a lot since he left that state in 2001.

Imagine poor old Sidney Rice. He comes in from a hard day of practicing his post corner routes and learning how to steal VCRs from the stadium like his teammates. All he wants is to give his tired bones a good soak in the whirlpool. Alas, there's no hot water....wait...there's no water. President Sorenson walks in and informs Rice that he's just going to have to get tougher.


Snipes as Sidney Rice in Major League IV: Revenge of the Gamecock

Yeah. Recruiting is going to be a breeze for old Stevie.

In unrelated news, Damon Evans swims in a gold plated pool underneath the Butts-Mehre Building as UGA posted a $23.9 million profit last year.

pwd

hat tip to Old Dawg on DawgRun.com.

33 comments:

Groo said...

Perfect. You just know they're getting it rent-to-own at Aaron's with a 25% APR.

Mr. Egger said...

What's saddest about your comment there Groo, is last year, the video board that was in Williams-Brice got struck by lightning or something of that nature very early in the season, and went out of commission. They rented one for the rest of the year, and this may well just be a rent to own on the temporary screen that had to be put up by crane at most every game last season (at least from the Bama game on). So as sad as it sounds, you may not be joking after all

But while that's funny Paul, the Chickens really did need a new video screen for Williams Brice.

Kyle King said...

There was a "Major League 3"?

Apparently, I missed that one and I'm glad I did. "Major League 2" was bad enough. I have so much respect for Wesley Snipes for refusing to come back for the lame sequel.

Nice work on the Gamecocks. I can't say I'm not worried about playing a night game in Columbia with an untested quarterback, but, man, what a sad bunch.

Maybe they need a new video screen, but what they need more is to lose the "2001" theme, the Godzilla screech, and Plucky the Chicken, the only costumed sideline mascot in the South who could get his clock cleaned by Buzz.

Well, that, and to end 100 consecutive years of mediocrity . . . or worse. Yeah, they beat us about once every four years and maybe 2006 is their time to do it again, but, when you consider a two-year 17-7 run "the glory days," you need to give up on being a big-time football team.

paulwesterdawg said...

interestingly, it's not a lock that it's a night game.

ESPN took UGA vs. SC off the listings page. So who knows.

all school said...

Based upon their storied history in football (one which is well known to all UGA fans), it's shocking that the Chickens aren't exactly rolling in cash. Maybe they have a few Irish Travelers working in the accounting department over there.

The sad part about the whole thing is that, compared to some SEC game day experiences, a home game at the Chicken Coop is a bearable experience. Sure, there are parts about it that are cheesy (I mean, come on.....the theme from 2001 ran out of gas about 1975, didnt it?), and the spectacle of thousands of otherwise respectable looking women screaming how much they love the Cocks is a little troubling. But, have you ever been to Auburn, AL? Gameday at the Coop is a performance by the Royal Shakespeare Theatre by comparison.

I'm just waiting for the Chicken AD to drop 3 or 4 million making all the stadium seats recliners, to go along with that new big screen TV.

Oh, and one other thing. Major League 2 was a fine story of redemption and the downside of trying to handle and repeat success. Omar Epps did a fine job replacing Wesley Snipes, and made the charecter Willie Mays Hayes his own.

GoCocks74 said...

We'll see how much s#it you uga fans talk after Spurrier continues to make you his bitch at the Brice on Sept. 9. You'll feel like lost little puppies in a jungle when you lose to a 'Trailer Park' team. And yeah, I've been to athens a couple of times, let me tell you--uga fans calling anyone rednecks is like Saddam Hussein calling Hitler a bad person.

Doug said...

Wha . . . "Spurrier continues to make us his bitch"?

How quickly you forget that Spurrier lost his first SEC game upon returning to the conference last year -- to the Bulldogs. When Spurrier starts making us his bitch again, then you can talk.

I have a feeling that in real life "gococks74" is a lot like Chris Tucker's character in "Friday" -- "Man, why you gotta keep bringin' up old shit?"

ruteger said...

Does this mean that each time they lose a game they'll uncover a little more of a cardboard stand-up of President Sorenson wearing only a bikini bottom?

all school said...

Doug, Doug, Doug...you wacky refugee from a Truett Cathy buttered bun.

Let's take your well expressed, carefully crafted arguements one at a time, shall we?

We'll see how much s#it you uga fans talk after Spurrier continues to make you his bitch at the Brice on Sept. 9.

I don't know if you are this much of a student of history, but Spurrier didn't complete a single pass or make a single tackle against UGA while coaching at Florida. He pretty much owned EVERYONE while he was there. However, he also had a rich, endless supply of homegrown talent, too. Unfortunately for him, and for you, the pipeline does not seem to extend to the Coop.

No UGA person would dispute Spurrier is a fine coach. On the other hand, what Chicken can dispute the fact that the Coop is where good coaches go to commit career suicide? Granny Holtz is the epitome of Chicken Success, isnt he? Zero SEC championships. Zero SEC East titles. Zero BCS games. Zero wins over UT and UF. And, to top it all off, he had a losing record overall. He's basically the dog with the freshest breath among all your coaches, historically.

Spurrier helped USC beat a lousy UT team this year. Props to him. He also helped USC beat an inconsistent Florida team. Again, tip your hat. Did he beat Clemson? No. Did he win the East? No. Did he get you into a BCS game? No. Did he get Alex Brown and Rex Grossman into school there? No.

Potential just means you ain't done nothing yet. The Chickens wont be a gimme with Spurrier there, but they're a looooooooong way from being a power.

And yeah, I've been to athens a couple of times, let me tell you--uga fans calling anyone rednecks is like Saddam Hussein calling Hitler a bad person.

I'm sure you found the atmosphere in Athens disconcerting. Where are the railyards? Where is the drab, lifeless acreage? What's the deal with all the people and scenery and greenery?

I cant say we dont have any redneck fans. On the other hand, getting lectured by a Chicken about our "redneck fans" is an irony worthy of inclusion in an Alanis Morissette song. What next? Will Tommy Tuberville lecture us about having big ears? Will Pat Dye call us cheaters? Will Urban Meyer accuse us of being anal retentive hypocrites?

Enjoy the summer, Doug. Reality is due to set back in come September...just like always.

all school said...

ooops. Sorry, Doug. I meant "Gococks74"....must be the drugs.

wish this thing had an edit feature.

Asskickinchicken said...

Listen you inbred penal colony dwellers. I can't believe that you would talk crap about SOS's first game against the leghumpers. You almost got beat by a rebuilding team. You know in your heart of hearts that he is going to own you again. BTW, it will start this year. So start talking your crap to TN or Bama or Albarn. You have zero history at taking shots at SOS. nuff said. What were you guys against him 1-12 or something like that. Pathetic.

Anonymous said...

"You almost got beat"
- The Theme Song of the Carolina Football Program

all school said...

Dear Chiken Boy:

ask your fabled head coach what his record as a PLAYER was against UGA....it's not like he owned us his whole life. I betcha he still has welts from the ass whuppins Bill Stanfill and Jake Scott put on him. Note that he never won an SEC title as a player, and then see if you can connect the dots as to what program prevented that.

Spurrier's record as a coach at Florida will help you now about as much as his record as a player at Florida helped us in the 90s. It's interesting to note, but once the game starts, it's inconsequential.

To paraphrase the immortal words of Vin Diesel in his role as Dominic Toretto, "You had UGA? You NEVER had UGA. You never had the win. Any real competitor will tell you....by an inch or by a mile...all that matters is who's ahead at the end."

In other words: Chicken Football is the same dog's breakfast it's always been. I'm not saying you won't ever beat us again in this century. Accidents happen. I'm just saying it's hilarious to listen to you of the poultry persuasion come back every year after another ass whipping, another failure to win the East, another failure to appear in a BCS bowl, and start talking down to us.

You want to scramble with us, you better get some better players. In case you havent noticed the last 5 years, we seem to be pretty well coached these days, as well as fairly talented. You want to chalk us up as a gimme, be my guest, but pardon me while I laugh myself into an epileptic fit.

Kyle King said...

This kind of nonsense is why I absolutely cannot stand South Carolina. Never in the history of sports has so much trash been talked by so many fans with so little to back it up.

Georgia and South Carolina have been playing one another for a little over a century. On average, the Gamecocks beat the Bulldogs about once every four years. It wouldn't surprise me if 2006 was the year in which the law of averages came home to roost for the benefit of the Palmetto State Poultry.

If that comes to pass, you can bet that the Gamecock faithful will crow about how a sea change is brewing in the Eastern Division. Poppycock.

Make no mistake about it . . . South Carolina has the weakest football tradition of any school in the Southeastern Conference.

Yes, it's weaker than Mississippi State's . . . the Starkville Fauxdogs won an S.E.C. championship in 1941.

Yes, it's weaker than Vanderbilt's . . . the Commodores were good in the early part of the 20th century, while the Big Chickens have never in their history strung together three solid seasons in a row.

Paul Dietzel won a national championship at L.S.U. . . . and had a losing record at South Carolina. Lou Holtz won a national championship at Notre Dame . . . and had a losing record at South Carolina.

Yes, Steve Spurrier won a national championship at Florida . . . a program that, for all its shortcomings, had Emmitt Smith the year before the Evil Genius returned to Gainesville and was ranked No. 1 in the nation just five years earlier.

Does South Carolina have anything to compare to the untapped potential that awaited Darth Visor in The Swamp? Yeah, 20 years ago, you were ranked No. 2 before you lost to Navy. Color me impressed.

Yes, the Gamecocks beat the worst Tennessee team of the last 17 years. Yes, Steve Spurrier got inside Urban Meyer's head. Do you think for one minute that South Carolina will even take the field with Florida in The Swamp next fall? If you do, you're downright delusional.

For all the miracles the Ol' Ball Coach supposedly performed in Columbia last season, the fact remains that he took over a 6-5 team and improved it so much that it went . . . 7-5. Had the Gamecocks controlled their tempers better against Clemson in 2004, they'd have gone to a bowl game and might have duplicated their 2005 ledger in Lou Holtz's final season.

When you win something, you can talk some trash, but not before. If you're determined to be obnoxious without anything to support your arrogance, try rationalizing away this fact:

Two of Steve Spurrier's three Duke teams compiled better records than the 2005 Gamecocks did.

You want to be cocky about that? Be my guest. In the meantime, I'll be over here rearranging my S.E.C. championship cap collection.

I'm sorry about flaming this guy at your place, Paul, but I'm sick of listening to the way the chumps talk to the champs.

Anonymous said...

It must be hearbreaking for you sc fans that this "penal colony" -- which is an odd putdown to say the least--has surpassed your state in every single way imaginable. EVERY one. Maybe you should try to play catch-up before talking meaningless smack to a state that's your dad. By the way, Sports Business Journal rates UGA as one of the top 15 most affluent fan-bases in college football. The chickens aren't on the list. The TV market Athens sits in is one of the top ten in the country to boot. So your "You're all bigger inbred rednecks" comments don't hold any water either. It's funny that you can't dispute any of the facts in the blog, you just say "SOS" or "We'll get you this year!" We're all laughing at you. Continue.

Mr. Egger said...

While it makes my boys look bad, I'll say it, Kyle, this fact that the Chickens can pull a win over the Dawgs once every four years actually makes us look pretty bad when compared to Florida and Tennessee's ability to absolutely crush and demoralize Cock football for decade (and no Chicken's a sweep in a SINGLE year will not make up for the past 50 without a W).

But well said anonymous...
"You almost got beat"
- The Theme Song of the Carolina Football Program
They've also joined the Chicago Cubs in a patent for "Just wait til next year".
Ah, to talk trash with a Chicken about football in the summertime. You can never win an argument with an idiot, they only make you dumber for trying. Just wait til about October, when they've been handed a couple beat downs and it can be a sane conversation once again.


There's times when living amongst Chickens is about as enjoyable as watching Michael F Adams run my alma mater.

Mr. Egger said...

Oh, and Kyle, Major League 3 was pretty bad, it had Scott Bakula managing a minor league team to victory against Twins team managed by Jefferson Darcy. A TBS Saturday afternoon classic.

Anonymous said...

Hmm...speaking of SWEEPS...

Did South Carolina beat UGA in ANYTHING this season???

Nathan said...

SoS improved USC so much that they got blown out by a GARY PINKEL coached team in their bowlgame.

I don't understand USC fans, easily the most delusional and insane fanbase east of Kansas State ... and well, K-State at least won a single Big XII title.

Doug said...

"You almost got beat"
- The Theme Song of the Carolina Football Program


Heh. I've got some ideas for their cheers, too . . .

"Go Team Go! Fight! Fight! Almost win!"

"We must almost protect this house!"

"That's alright! That's OK! You're almost gonna pump our gas someday!"

I've also rewritten SC's fight song to reflect this winning attitude:

Hey! Let's give a cheer! Carolina is almost here!
The fighting Gamecocks almost lead the way!
Who gives a care if the going gets tough
And when it is rough
That's when the Cocks sort of get going!
Hail to our colors of Garnet and Black
in Carolina pride have we, somewhat!
So, Go, Gamecocks, go! Fight!
Drive for just short of the goal! Fight!
USC will almost win today! GO COCKS!
So let's give a cheer! Carolina is almost here!
Go, fighting Gamecocks, almost all the way!

ruteger said...

Why do SCU fans love to bring up SOS's record against us while at Florida? What does that have to do with now? And if you're gonna take into account such irrelevant points, at least be consistant with it, and realize that while SOS was cranking out wins against us at Florida, he was losing to Mark Richt at FSU more often than not.

GDawg34 said...

Coulda woulda shoulda, the story of 100 years of lamecock football! The late great Rick James called it "Delusions of Grandeur." That could also be your program's motto.

I love how SC fans always deny that they're claiming Florida wins as their own, yet they act like Spurrier singlehandedly gives them the right to talk sh*t to a program who absolutely OWNS them throughout history, and of late as well.

SOS had one good run. He never could beat UGA when it counted as a player, he couldn't cut it in the NFL, and his winning percentage against us in that sh*thole known as Columbia is .000 last time I checked.

Yeah, he was pretty good against us while coaching at Florida.

He is not at Florida now. You are not Florida, South Carolina. You do not have Florida's athletes. And in case ya missed it, what few good D-1 recruits SC does put out annually, Clemson and GEORGIA have been getting. 2004 SC Gatorade player of the year? On our roster. 2005 SC Mr. Football? Already signed his LOI, will be on roster shortly.

We all heard how Spurrier was just going to reign supreme and recruits would just line up at your door once he got there. Refresh my memory, where did the best QB to come out of SC in a long time already verbally commit? Hint: It's to that orange team that has been beating you about 60-10 lately.

Win something SC, THEN talk. That's how it works...

Anonymous said...

Pretty funny how you could hear a Pin drop in athens last year against the Gamecocks. UGA fans were crapping there pants all night. For those who think UGA deserved to win that game you my redneck inbread friends are mistaken. I guess you forget the TD that was called back, the missed extra point, and we missed going to Atlanta by "two" points? You queers are real good about bringing up the past but the past dont get you shit for tomorrow... Stupid redneck fags...

CochranDawg said...

Hmmm. . . where did he go? Also amazes me the way puds like that disappear when confronted with reality. I'm sure gococks74 has been busy all day doing all sorts of productive things, like picking up aluminum cans by the side of the road so he can contribute the proceeds to Darth Visor's capital campaign.

Asskickinchicken said...

Typical Cock envy...Go hump a leg!

CochranDawg said...

Wow, delusional, grammatically challenged and homophobic to boot. This one's a keeper gang. I guess we know what gococks74 spent all day doing: trying to come up with an intelligent response and failing miserably. At least he found a pseudonym

GDawg34 said...

LOL, they "deserved" it more!

When they eek out a victory after Terrence Edwards drops a wideopen TD in the courner of the endzone, oh they beat our ass! They "deserved to win" when they win, and they somehow always "deserve" it even more after their loss as usual? Go figure!

I remember the threads after 2004 like yesterday. "Oh we ran all over yall, DOMINATED that game! The only reason we lost was because Lou went conservative..." and blah blah blah. Question: Don't you first have to be lighting it up to then 'go conservative??' Cause last time I checked yall had 1 - count it - ONE big offensive play all day and that was only because either Blue or Davis went for the crushing blow on Williamson and missed instead of just wrapping up.

No Cocks, the only thing you deserve is all the crap opposing fans give you for being so damned delusional! Until the SEC recognizes horseshoes and hand grenades as official sports, "Back of the SEC bus - sit down and shut up!"

CochranDawg said...

I've always wondered why a certain segment (not the majority, of course) of SC fans use that phrase. Congratulations folks, you are sufficiently juvenile to appreciate the hilarity of armpit farts and knock-knock jokes. Kudos. So, do you have "SEC Championship envy"?

Doug said...

For those who think UGA deserved to win that game you my redneck inbread friends are mistaken.

Wow, I had no idea that football games were no longer being decided by points scored but rather by a bipartisan panel of five judges deliberating over who deserves to win more. Or maybe they just have Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul, and Randy Jackson do it? "The Gamecocks may not be the better team and they may not have done much against the Georgia defense, but they did a great job and I love their spirit!"

By the way, anonymous Lamecock, my UGA journalism degree counts two spelling errors, two capitalization errors, and three punctuation errors in your comment. In one paragraph! Your English composition professor at SC must be bursting with pride right now.

SSB Charley said...

Will Tommy Tuberville lecture us about having big ears?

John,

Yet another comment from you that made me glad I wasn't drinking when I read it. Truly outstanding.

As for the rest: Doug, Kyle and John have summed up my thoughts quite nicely. SCU= Vanderbilt without the smart people.

Luvdemtigers said...

This has got to be the FUNNIEST thing I have read in a LONG time! Jesus CHRIST you guys are hilarious! I am so glad to see that other teams think the same of the Coots as we do...they are nothing but whiney little bitches who think they should beat the world when in reality cant even win their Spring game.

They always think they are better than every other team and ALWAYS are perinneal pre-season national champions. Give em another month and you will start hearing the "Where should we be ranked?" questions and the answers of "At least 1 or 2...three maybe, but just because the other coaches dont like Stevie boy".

God, I HATE them! I wish the ground would open up and swallow the whole central part of the state.

Anonymous said...

OMG! luvdemtigers,

"when in reality cant even win their Spring game."

I just spit milk all over my laptop when I read that! Now that's funny.
Oh and someone above posted that we lose to them once in every 4 years...well we beat them by 14 or more 1 in every 10 years...I think we're due.

sophomoredawg said...

just a little stat for everyone here to rail on Carolina for: this past year, UGA was 27-2 against South Carolina in all sports combined. That is 27 wins and 2 losses. 1 loss being the embarressing first game of the super regional in baseball. How can they even open their mouths??

 
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