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August 17, 2013

SEC Teams as Big Lebowski characters

It's been fifteen years since the greatest movie about bowling, White Russians, and/or rug stealing was released.

The Dude still abides.
  • The Dude - Georgia. Probably slightly unintentionally misogynistic. Loves booze. Willing to go on wild goose chases. Makes things harder than they have to be.
  • Walter Sobchak - Texas A&M. Unstable. He's the crazy friend you definitely want in a fight with you, but is just as likely to convince you to 'go kick that big guy's ass because he was looking at you funny' while he hangs back and finishes your filet at Mortons. Because he's a pacifist. That big guy turns out to be Mike Tyson.
  • Donny Kerabatsos - Vandy. Shut the fuck up, Jamie!
  • The Big Lebowski - Tennessee. Vastly over states their wealth. They are always talking about what they have achieved, but also thinks all they have is not good enough. Fat.
  • The Nihilists - South Carolina. Obsessed with squiggly johnsons. Likely to lose an ear soon. Definitely is the type to burn someone's car just to prove a point or get a decent tailgate spot.
  • Jesus Quintana - Florida. Wears terrible clothes. Can't be appropriate around children. He makes bad hair choices. Both Quintana and Gators refer to themselves in third person too much and mispronounces their own name.
  • The Stranger - LSU. Mistakes non-sense and a twinkling smile for 'nowldege and sage behavior. Bonus: affinity for chewing on grass.
  • Jackie TreehornAlabama. Everyone thinks they want to be him. Everyone hates him. Pretends to not know what is going on with their business, but we all know Jackie is about The Process, too.
  • Maude Lebowski - Auburn. Highly vaginal art is a good way to describe their defense, amirite?
  • Knox Harrington - Missouri. Always has a glass of wine and is an effete hanger-on.
  • 73 Ford Torino - Arkansas. Was slightly cool at one time. Now a 12 year old could totally own them. Likely to be set on fire by Kraftwerk wannabes.
  • Brant - Ole Miss. Seems incompetent and daft, but are they in on the gig?
  • Bunny Lebowski - Kentucky. Everybody has had a piece of them, usually on film. Ole Miss wouldn't mind watching, either.
  • Woo - Mississippi State. Always a threat to piss on someones rug, then never to be heard from again. Just pray it ain't your rug.
That rug really tied the room together.



Bernie said...

Marty - Penn Wagers. Fails miserably as a figure of authority. More interested in gaining an audience for his interpretive dance.

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