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March 26, 2008

Richt to Reshape the War Effort

After five years of mixed success in Iraq, America is sending in Mark Richt. Top administration officials reacted: "We've had five years of mild success in Iraq, but our main rivals keep outsmarting us. Our offensive operations have become predictable and the leadership in our defensive operations is suffering from constant turnover. These problems have resulted in average performance by a superior force. We've recruited some outstanding people, but keep underperforming. Richt has shown his ability to confront such problems and achieve marked success at the University of Georgia. That's why we're sending him to the Middle East."

Coach Richt is hopeful that Dave Van Halanger, 5:00 AM mat drills, and the patented hidden ball play fake will give American forces strength, discipline, and the element of surprise. The troops are already looking forward to seeing Richt backflip off Saddam Hussein's old gold plated diving board into the palace swimming pool. Plus, Tommy Tuberville is coming along to remind Richt of the importance of a strong ground force.

Seriously, can we get a collection together to buy Coach Richt some sort of bulletproof union suit and pith helmet? Can we at least ensure that he can only be transported in a Rhino Runner bus? I know troop morale is important and I support sending Tuberville over there, but why can't we send Urban Meyer instead of Coach Richt?



Matthew Lawrence Woodwork said...

The original article states that Charlie Weiss is going along as well. That concerns me as this may simply be a plot for Notre Dame rid herself of "that" embarrassment. Hopefully, Coach Richt won't be riding in the same vehicles as Coach Weiss.

Anonymous said...

I know Coach Dooley was seriously considering it but perhaps this is the beginning of a multi-year plan for Coach Richt to get into politics.

Bringing home a couple of Crystal footballs over the next 5 years would be a great fundraising tool

Anonymous said...

I heard Richt is going over there to teach them the Soulja Boy.

Quinton McDawg said...

The stories this morning report that Richt will be going to Kuwait rather than Iraq. I guess that's much better, but I still want Richt encased in bulletproof plexiglass for the duration of his trip.

Anonymous said...

Very Onion-esque.

That really was funny.

Good job.

Anonymous said...

We shoulda sent Evil Richt.

Unknown said...

+ 1 Hank

Unknown said...

How do you know we didn't?

I just hope when Good Richt separates from Evil Richt and they fight to the death, Evil Richt doesn't just toss Good Richt in a trash compactor and think it's all over. I'd hate to see Good Richt bust out of it and strangle Evil Richt to death.

Anonymous said...

Is the Pope-mobile available for the weekend?

Anonymous said...

Urban Meyer wasn't invited because his "Stare and Point" would make "Shock and Awe" look like a tea party.

Charlie Weiss is going? Haven't those brave soldiers been exposed to enough overhyped, mismanaged and inept leadership?

At the behest of Dawg Nation, I have asked the following individuals to protect CMR on his journey:

-Mr. T,
-Srgt. Slaughter,
-Frank Dux (the guy who the movie Bloodport was based on),
-Both Dukes boys,
-300 Spartans,
-The liquid metal guy from Terminator,
-Several high ranking game pieces from Stratego (including a miner),
-Andre the Giant
-Anton Chigurh,
-Boba Fett,
-and a T Rex.

LOVE the diving board line, Paul!

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