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August 8, 2005

27 UGA Athletes Caught in Scandal

By SaxonDawg

ATHENS--(AP) It's been one of those forgettable summers for the Georgia Bulldog football team. Head Coach Mark Richt can only sigh in disbelief and tack on more than two dozen new first-game suspensions. Twenty-seven athletes from three different sports have now confessed to their failure to use the Magic Words, "please" and "thank you," when asking for second helpings at team meals.

"That Shockley boy was the ring leader," said Mrs. Eunice Grubb, deputy salad scooper in the food line. "He came back for more pineapple jello--I had spotted him entertaining his table-mates by slurping it up with only his lips, without using his hands--and he just grabbed his serving from me without saying a word. Not saying please or thank you, that's the kind of thuggery we don't need around here. I hope they kick off that little equestrian floozy as well."

This event comes only a week after pre-season All-American lineman Max Jean-Gilles was caught leaving his gum stuck under a local restaurant table. "He tried to run away," said proprietor Antoine Twitty. "But we recognized him, and a mob of busboys and patrons cornered him outside the bar. We’re simply not going to take any more. These coaches are letting the athletes run wild, leaving their Wrigley's and Dentyne all over Athens, wherever they feel like. We have to scrape, scrape, scrape for five, ten minutes to get the gum off. Juicy Fruit is the worst."

[Photo Above: Big Max categorically denies gumming the restaurant table, but refuses to answer questions about the bottom of this microphone.]

Rumor of the gum-affixing spread quickly across the Internet. CBS Sportsline led with the story at the top of their homepage. Finally Richt was forced to acknowledge the incident in a press conference. In a prepared statement, he said, "There seems to be evidence that Big Max not only deposited the chewable snack food, but possibly masticated his tortellini with his mouth open. This caused understandable outrage and disgust at some of the other tables, and that's not the image we want our players to project. We are starting a mandatory course for the players on such issues as which fork to use first, how to pat one's mouth discretely with a napkin, and of course keeping little hunks of food off earrings and nose-rings. That last one grosses me out."

The football program took a black eye when two players said the "h" word and the "d" word while rescuing a family from a burning car. Viola Bumpus, one of the rescued passengers, said, "We're minding our own business when suddenly this giant is pushing through the flames, snatching me out of my car like a china doll, before the car can explode. A piece of flaming debris blew into this brute's face and he clearly said 'OH, H-E-double toothpicks!' I was aghast, and I have demanded that this young hoodlum be dismissed from the university." Coach Richt has ordered the player, identified as Russ Tanner, to go apologize to the elderly woman and place her back into the burning car.

Now, with 27 potential suspensions after the etiquette fiasco, the Georgia Bulldogs may find themselves facing Boise State with a lineup of walkons and women's gymnasts. "We may lose, but etiquette comes first at this university," says Richt. "I think of these players like my own children, and when my own children fail to say please or thank you, I make them sleep in alleys and dumpsters in downtown Atlanta for a week."

Disclaimer: This parody note was written to make light of the media's coverage of our offseason issues. We're aren't supporting misbehavior by the athletes. Just trying to make light of a long off season that has seen more column inches devoted to 2nd team linebacker suspension than saving 3 lives in a car accident.


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