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November 2, 2005

If you could have a beer with any Football Coach....

If you could enjoy a cold adult beverage with any current college coach and talk football, who would it be? Who would be your Top 3? Who would you least like to have a cold brew with?

Most enjoy brews with:
1. Steve Spurrier - I know he's the anti-christ, but he's funnier than most of the coaches I can think of. The trick with him would be focusing his ball busting on FSU, and not on all the good times he had beating Georgia's brains in.

2. Joe Paterno - He's a bourbon man. Much like myself. He's probably got great stories. (Image removed as I exceeded bandwidth on it)

3. Mike Stoops - This guy looks like a wild man. The sort of guy you hang out with and end up getting wing man booty from the groupies. Unfortunately, after a night drinking with Stoops, I'd wake up in some South of the Border Cement Factory & Brothel where I need a chainsaw, a one sided $10 dubloon and a password that I would never remember to escape. Who am I kidding? This dude would drink me under the table.

Least enjoy a beer with:
1. Phil Fulmer - I wouldn't want to be within 5 feet of the guy. I can't imagine a more repugnant coach. Besides, if I we stayed out too late, he would just tattle to the NCAA.

2. Mike Leach - Everything about him just screams "D*ckhead." I don't know why.

3. Mark Richt - He doesn't drink. What's he going to do...just sit there and watch me sin?

All-time (still alive):
1. Barry Switzer - Nobody rolls like The King. I mean why would you even bother listing anyone else? I bet his life has run parallel to North Dallas Forty.

2. Pat Dye - Just to bust his balls and ask him questions about the Syracuse game when he went for the Tie.

3. Bill Lewis - I owe the guy a beer just for killing Georgia Tech Football. Talk about an all-time Georgia Bulldog Moment of Zen. Tech was less than 13 months removed from a co-National Title, and they replace Bobby Ross with a UGA Coach who left Georgia because Dooley told him that he wasn't good enough to become our next coach. So he promptly kills their program and walks out the door with a 1-10 record. The only way it could be better is if he did it on purpose.

Who's on your list?

BTW -- Don't miss JeromeFromDecatur's answers to this question. They are particuarly funny.


Astronaut Mike Dexter said...

I'd most enjoy a beer with:

1. Mike Price. Come on, how did this guy not make your list? Go to a bar with this guy and you'd be hip-deep in hot and cold running poontang in less than an hour.
2. Paterno, definitely.
3. Spurrier. Dammit, I was trying to find a way to not include him on this list, but I couldn't do it. Hell, I'd just be interested in finding out how he made Duke respectable.

Most enjoy a beer with (retired):

1. Vince Dooley. Just to hear all the stories about all the good times.
2. George Welsh. People don't realize this now, but Virginia was so bad during the '60s and '70s that what he did for the Wahoos is almost as stunning as what Spurrier did at Duke.
3. Pat Dye, yeah.

Least enjoy a beer with:

1. Bobby Johnson, Vanderbilt. Stand-up guy, done a heck of a job with the Commodores this year, but if he won't even let his players cuss on the practice field, he can't be that much fun to hang out with.
2. Tommy Tuberville, Auburn. I don't care if he went 13-0 last year, nine out of every ten interviews, press conferences, or other appearances I've ever seen him in, he's come off as a smug prick.
3. Fulmer, for all the reasons you mentioned and then some.

(Urban Meyer would be a probationary #4 on that last list, because I think it would really creep me out for him to be pointing and staring at me the whole time.)

Anonymous said...

Have done the Spurrier thing...Highly overrated. More self-involved than anyone I've ever met.

Nathan said...

I actually shared a beer with Spurrier, story here:

Anonymous said...

I read somewhere that Leach is Mormon, so he too probably doesn't drink.

Nathan said...

p.s - thanks for bring up B*** L**** and ruining my day.

Anonymous said...

Erk Russell tops my list of coaches to have a beer with. I've seen that man drink beer. He's good at it. I'd say he enjoys it.

Anonymous said...

I'd most enjoy a beer with:

Danny Ford: Similar to Barry Switzer, you'd hear stories that would amaze, offend, and question your basic human belief in right and wrong.

I'd most enjoy Jack on the Rocks with:

Johnny Majors: Like another said of Erk...Majors is good at this; and people like to do things their good at it. It'd be interesting to hear how many insults about Fulmer he could work into a single glass.

I'd do a keg stand with:

Bum Phillips. I know we're supposed to be limited to college coaches...but can you imagine Bum taking off his hat and asking you, "Hold this," as he's hoisted into the air.

I'd like to take a shot of Jager and then punch him in the face for being a jerk:

Gary Barnett. Head Coach Colorado.

Anonymous said...

Jerome - that gets its own post.

Anonymous said...

Leach is probably one of the friendliest, most personable people you could have a beer with, and his quirky personality and sense of humor would definitely make it enjoyable to have a beer w/ him. Some of the stories he has are hilarious. My buddy waited on him at the restaurant he works at and asked him a football question. Leach talked to him for like 20 min. about football stuff, initiating most of the conversation. My friend said he was cool as hell to talk to and suprised him because you'd think most coaches would just give a short answer but put on the friendly facade to get you to leave them alone, but Leach welcomed the conversation. Oh and he drinks alright, another friend of mine saw him at a small bar with some of the other coaching staff and had a few beers w/ them. We always joke that it seems like he's drunk in his interviews.

djl said...

Most enjoy a beer with:
1. Tom Amstutz. Look, I absolutely despise the man's football team. The only thing that could possibly be better than Toledo going 0-11 is them going 0-12. That said, he'd buy a mountain of wings, spring for the brew, and keep everybody laughing all night.
2. Paterno. The man has got to have some great stories.
3. Mike Price. I'd love to just kick back and watch the master in action.

Least enjoy a beer with:
1. Jim Tressel. The man can talk for hours and never actually say anything. The conversation would be mind-numbingly dull.
2. Urban Meyer. He'd promise to pick up the tab, then sneak out the back door as they announce last call.
3. Bobby Wallace. What would we talk about? "Hey, Bobby, tell me about the time BG hung 70 on you in your own house." "What was it like to lose to Villanova?" I'd be afraid I'd completely crush the guy, a la Larry David in the kamikaze pilot episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Anonymous said...

Mike Leach has to be numero uno!! This guy once had one of his players come pick him up from the bar when he had been overserved and undersupervised.

Anonymous said...

It would be a tie between Dean Chizek, the DC for Texas, and Mike Leach. Chizek because you know that with a D that physical a fight will ensue. Better to have him on your side than the losing side. Mike Leach because I have had a chance to speak with him. Leach is one of the funniest (wierdest) people whom I have ever met, and if drunk, I think, would be a blast.

Anonymous said...

How about Gary Moeller. After all drinking and getting hostile is what got him canned at Michigan!

Anonymous said...

#1) BO SCHEMBECHLER!!! no one tops the man!
#2) John Cooper. i'd love to chat with a man who loved to lose to Michigan.
#3) Pete Carrol. what a guy!

#1) Jim Tressel. i agree with ya man
#2) Phil Fulmer. i hate every vol fan. he's dryer than sand.
#3) anyone else i'd just drink unitl he shut up or i passed out.

Anonymous said...

If I could sit and drink a beer and talk football thier is no question it would be Ditka, obviously.

Anonymous said...

Pete Carroll because he'd probably challenge you to a game of beer pong.

Anonymous said...

Frank Beamer so I can ask him what the F is on his face.

Anonymous said...

Larry Eustachy, without a doubt. It doesn't even matter that he probably doesn't know a thing about football (or basketball for that matter). The guy knows how to party.

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

I would have to say Woody Hayes. Slug a few brewskis then slug a few football players.

Anonymous said...

1) Barry Alvarez - Wisconsin is the #1 party school and he would have to be the #1 party coach.

2) Bret Bielema - guy is single 35 and going to be the next head coach at Wisconsin (talk about getting the wing man booty!)

3) Mike Price - Roll tide roll! enough said!

1) Jim Tressel - smug A**hole.

2) Phil Fullmer - NCAA NARC

3) Glenn Mason - golden Gopher - enough said!

Anonymous said...

the D*CKHEAD who writes this column apparently never had a beer with Mike Leach.

Anonymous said...

Joe Pa would be your suprisingly exciting 78 year old that a Penn State fan like me could talk for hours with the guy. An old guy who likes a bourbon. Rare.

Anonymous said...

How about that Prairie View A&M coach that lost like 70 games in a row. That dude must have drank some sorrows away. He may have been drunk at the games.

Anonymous said...

wow, i email mike leach all the time, not a d*ckhead, I go to tech and have seen him at the fox and hound a few times, nice guy, likes his drink, but never too crazy....really f*cking funny though

Anonymous said...

Neuheisal (sp)...i want to know how he picks the tournament.

ATL_eagle said...

Forget beers. I just got my hair cut next to Vince Dooley today!

The College Game said...

1. Charlie Weis, Notre Dame. Just to feel the aura around this guy and to have him explain what being a Domer truly means. I love this guy. There I said it. I love an aging dude with a crewcut, I have been out-ed.

2. Pete Carroll, USC, so he could tell me how much the college game kicks the pro game's ass from a coaching standpoint.

3. Rich Brooks, Kentucky. I would find out how many beers it would take to become toxic...

1. Jimmy Johnson (Miami) - Yes, the Irish won the Catholics vs. Convicts, but this dude exudes winner. Then I would get a tip on the hair and the $600,000 he made in one day on the stock market.

2. Bo Schembechler (Michigan) - Just so I could watch him go apeshit asking him about why he kicked to the Rocket, TWICE.

3. Gary Moeller (Michigan) - Because he KNOWS how many beers it takes to become toxic...and live. What was his level? 0.46 or something?

Brian said...

You can find my response here.

Eight year olds, dude.

AgRyan04 said...

Mine is up at my site now.

For those Leach haters check out the video of him doing the weather report. The guy is a hoot....and I can say that even though I LOATHE tech.

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